On October 2, 2010 the comic strip “Cathy,” which, for 34 years reigned as “America’s Most Un-Funny Comic Strip” will finally end according to sources at the Associated Press.

The strip was started by Cathy Guisewite in November of 1976 when she sent what was intended to be a suicide note in sketch form to Lee Salem, president and editor of Universal Uclick.

“The moment I laid eyes upon those sketches, it was love at first sight,” explained Salem.  “Here was a loser trapped in a dead-end job, a hopeless relationship and the imposable goal of squeezing her fat ass into something smaller than clown pants and best of all, it was all her own fault!  You see, I’ve hated women all my life and what better way to rub the entire female gender’s collective faces in $%@# than to publish a comic portraying “the modern working woman” as a spineless, neurotic jellyfish on a downward spiral to self-destruction all because she didn’t have a man to knock her into line?!?”

Guiswite announced her “agonizing” decision publicly yesterday in a statement to a crowd consisting of three burned-out feminists from the 70′s who refused to give their names to a male interviewer, Jim Starkey better known as the “goatse man’s stunt double” and a nameless homeless man who remained in the corner, passed-out in a pool of his own vomit for the entire speech.

“Greetings Cathy fans!” Guiswite began.  “First of all, let me thank you for allowing me to run the same joke over and over and over for thirty-four years but now It pains me to announce that I will soon be ending Cathy.”

This announcement was met with tears by most of the audience except for the homeless man who snorted in his sleep before urinating on himself.

“II was planning to spend more time with my family but then I remembered that they all killed themselves after being forced to read my comic for the last three decades so actually I’m not sure what I’ll be doing next but you can bet that I’ll milk it ’till it bleeds!”

Reactions around the world ranged from elation to exuberance.

“Thank god!” exclaimed Bill Watterson, creator of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes.  “When I think of all the innocent trees that died to print that tripe, it just makes me want to stab someone in the eye with a drawing pencil!  On the bright side, I can finally publish my new collection; Calvin and Hobbs Hunt Cathy Down Before Disemboweling Her With A Chainsaw!

Colton Harris-Moore aka “The Barefoot Bandit” was arrested last Sunday after a crime-spree that lasted 2 years during which he is suspected of committing roughly 100 burglaries and the thefts of at least 5 small aircraft, one boat and two cars.

Harris-Moore began his career as a convicted criminal at age 12 when his mother, Pamela Kohler had him arrested for stealing her “house items” including nearly 10 pounds of crack-cocaine.

“Hey, I earned that!” exclaimed Mrs. Kohler.  “Do you know how many dumpster blow jobs and golden showers I had to take to rack up 10 pounds of crack???  Why, if I see another penis thrust in front of my face I’ll . . . well, I’ll probably suck it if you got some crack!”

When asked about her son’s teenage years, Mrs. Kohler simply shrugged.  “I don’t remember much from back then.  Fat Eddie’s got me pretty busy doing donkey shows in the abandoned warehouse across the street and the rest of the time, I’m high on crack!  With a schedule like that, who’s got time for keeping tabs on a teenage boy?  I do remember Colt breaking stuff around the house for no reason but most of the time I just pointed at him and giggled because of course, I was high on crack!”

Mrs. Kohler then had to be given yet more crack in order to continue the interview.

“Ah that’s better!  As the drugs were wearing off, I started getting the feeling that I was an abject failure as a mother who would be better off being recycled into pig food but now the magic faeries are back and I’m Brittney Spears’ sexy twin sister!   Yeaaaahhh!”

Mrs. Kohler then explained the difficulties her son faced growing up.

“Just because he stole everything he could get his hands on before even reaching puberty, everybody always called him a thief!  He couldn’t have anything nice without someone saying that he stole it . . . and then calling the police and finding out that he did in fact, steal it!  IT’S SOCIETY’S FAULT!”

Meanwhile, an interview was conducted with Haris-Moore’s soon-to-be-cellmate, Leroy “The Silencer” Thomas.

“I been watching that boy ever since the news started showing him on the TV,” Thomas explained.  “He done stole a lot of things but most of all, he stole my heart, or at least he will after I dress him in woman’s clothing and parade him up and down the cell block as my bitch!”

When asked if he thought Harris-Moore might escape from prison the way he escaped from the police for 2 years, Thomas replied, “That boy ain’t goin nowhere until he gets himself a few extra helpings of prime Alabama Tube Snake!  After that, who knows?  He’s a slippery one that Barefoot Bandit, or at least I hope he is if ya know what I mean!”

Lastly, Thomas was asked why his nickname was “The Silencer,” to which he explained, “Well you see, my penis is twelve inches long and five inches around so anyone who ends up being cell-mate stops making noise when they fart if ya know what I mean!”

Outside Washington State Penitentiary, fans of Harris-Moore gathered to protest the arrest of Harris-Moore.

“I’m unemployed anyways so i thought that I’d come here!” explained Michael Mirrielees, an out-of-work musician.  “Barefoot Bandit is my hero!  His story is like a modern-day version of Bonnie and Clyde”

It was then explained to Mirrielees that Bonnie and Clyde stole from the banks that helped create the Great Depression, murdered anyone who got in their way and died together in a blaze of gunfire and that their story is one of the hopelessness and desperation of the 1930′s.  Harris-Moore story on the other-hand, is simply one of an unruly kid who couldn’t keep his hands off of other people’s stuff and the ability of any idiot with half-a-story to become an instant celebrity in the whore-like media’s scramble for ratings.

“Yeah, like Bonnie and Clyde!” Mirrielees repeated.

Mister Mirrielees was then beaten to death with his own guitar to rid the world of yet-another untalented and cockroach-like musician.

Last week in Monroe, Ohio the iconic “Touchdown Jesus” statue in front of the Solid Rock Church was destroyed by a lightning bolt thrown by Thor, the Norse god of Lightning following an altercation with his neighbor, Jesus H. Christ.

“Hey, I’d just returned from Jotunheim, the Realm of the Giants where I’d been battling Storm Lords and Rock Trolls for the past three months, explained Thor.  “So here I am, trying to catch a little down time with my friends, the Red Berserkers and the Maidens of Lust.  We’re all having a spear-catching contest which, let me tell ya, gets real interesting after everyone’s had a couple of kegs of ale!”

“Anyways,’ continued Thor, “there’s a knock at the front gate and we open it to see this Jesus guy standing there holding a copy of the Watchtower.  ‘Have you heard the word of Me’ he asked and I sez, ‘no, but I’ve heard heard that when Sigrun the Valkyrie puts you in a leg-lock, you better pleasure her properly or she’ll crush your skull!  Hyuk! Hyuk!  That one still cracks me up!”

According to the few witness who were still sober at the time, Mr. Christ then clasped both hands to his mouth and stared in abject horror at the scene of drinking and womanizing unfolding before him.

“So are you gonna’ stand there staring like a monkey in a cage or are you gonna have some brew?” Thor asked.  “You’re a little scrawny for the women here but then again, Viking chicks dig scars and you’ve got plenty of those so come on in and try your luck!”

Recently deceased artist Frank Frazetta who was a special guest at Thor’s party had more to add.

“He [Jesus] just kept running around telling people that they shouldn’t drink wine unless it was his blood, whatever that means then he grabbed a curtain and started trying to cover up the magnificent and pendulous breasts of all the Valkyries!  Hey, if a guy doesn’t want a drink then fine but once you start trying to cover up the perfectly sculpted and very generous rack of a Norse demi-goddess then it’s FIGHTIN’ TIME!”

Several guests then began throwing food and later furniture at Mr. Christ in an effort to get him to leave.

“The problem is that every time you whack this guy, he turns the other cheek so you end up whacking him in a different spot!” explained Brynhilda the Valkyrie.  “Even after you cut him down, he just resurrects again and gets back in your face like a bad case of Troll Herpes!”

At that point, Thor who was admittedly “fairly drunk” on the 27 kegs of mead that he had drunk hurled a lightning bolt at what he assumed was Jesus Christ.

“Turns out I had gotten turned upside-down in a cloud bank while stumbling around chasing after that wimp and I was actually looking at the statue of “Touchdown Jesus,” Thor explained.  “At least that explains why the thing went up in a giant fireball without the long-ass speech about how he’s doing it for a couple of primates that once ate an apple!  Speaking of apples, Idun the Goddess of Spring makes one mighty powerful hard-apple cider and it should be fermented by now so if you’ll excuse me, there’s drinking to do and a summer to enjoy!”

Last week, in the sprawling metropolis of Pearland, Texas, a mild-mannered Vietnamese reporter named Cherry Woods was walking home from work when she became the target of a vicious assault.

Two pit bulls, who had escaped from a neighbors backyard, spotted Mrs. Woods and chased her down the street before catching and mauling her a mere 20 meters from her front door.  Mrs. Woods husband, Harold, was inside watching reruns of Will and Grace when he heard his wife’s screams and ran outside to find the animals latched onto her arm and leg respectively.

“I thought about jumping in and trying to do something but I could tell by the sound of Cherry’s screams that those teeth would probably hurt if they bit me and then I realized that getting another mail-order bride was a whole-lot cheaper than going to the hospital!”

Mister Woods then dabbed up the urine that had begun running down his leg as he recounted his story.

“Darn it, that always seems to happen when I talk about scary things.” he said.  “Anyways, as my wife was literally being torn limb-from-limb by these blood-crazed dogs, I sprang into action by clapping my hands and shouting ‘shoo doggy, shoo’ at them!”

Mrs. Woods then recounted what happened next.

“I remember my useless husband clapping his hands and the sound of dogs growling and flesh tearing when suddenly I heard the theme song from Superman, although that was probably because John Williams was rehearsing with the Boston Pops at the music hall across the street.”

“Anyways,” Mrs. Woods continued.  “Right then, our Tortoiseshell cat Lima sprang from the bushes and launched herself at these two pit bulls with an ear-piercing shriek that curdled the blood of lesser mortals – like my douchebag husband over there!”

Mr. Woods then ran away crying before buying tickets to Sex In the City 2 to make himself feel better.

“You should have seen it,” exclaimed Mrs. Woods.  “It was like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with all the blood and bits of flesh flying around as Lima bounced from one dog to the other in a whirlwind of teeth and claws!”

During the distraction caused by the cat, Mrs. Woods managed to free herself from the two dogs and crawl back home before calling 911.  When police arrived, they followed a blood trail to locate the heroic feline grooming herself next to the partially consumed remains of the dogs.  Afterward, they followed a urine trail to locate Mister Woods who was hiding beneath an upside-down kiddie swimming pool.

Cletis McTinydick, the dogs owner, could not be reached for comment on account of the fact that his two pit bulls were owned by a pussy-cat.

While attending a comic book signing in New Russia Township, Ohio last week, comic writer Thormod Skald was approached by police who surprisingly, were not there to cite him for operating a zeppelin without a license but rather to ask for his assistance with a unique problem.

Earlier that night, sheriff’s deputies had arrested 21-year-old Andrew Whiteman while covered with mud that he claimed was ‘grave-dirt’ as he was attempting to break into a local store that had recently held a blood drive.  Upon placing Mr. Whiteman in the car, deputies say the man told the officers that the two of them were in trouble because they didn’t know he was actually a 100-year-old vampire and could smell their blood from the back seat of the patrol car.  Whiteman then allegedly threatened to kill not only the deputies but their children because “that’s what bad-ass vampires like me do” after which he then told a female officer that he would eat her kidney in front of her as she lay dying.

“That’s when I decided to call in the experts,” explained sheriff’s deputy Jim Rico.  “My son is a huge fan of Fafnir the Dragon and I know from reading the concise, poignant and 100% true news articles on that site that Thormod Skald is a guru on getting rid of vampires!  Once I explained that we needed help in dealing with a real ‘live’ (no pun intended) bloodsucker, he was more than willing to help out, in fact he even offered to pay us for the opportunity!”

Skald was then escorted to police headquarters where Mr Whiteman or “Count Von Scarydark” as he was now calling himself, had already been put into a restraint chair after allegedly threatening to feast on the blood of the sheriff’s virgin daughter and becoming unruly towards deputies.

“DEAR GOD, IT’S A CLASS 2 SPARKLEPIRE INCURSION!” exclaimed Skald.  “Fortunately I know what to do!”

Deputies were then instructed to place a fish tank on the suspects head, eat several garlic cloves and then urinate into the tank.

“Vampires hate garlic,” explained Skald over the coughing and sputtering of Whiteman in the background.  “So if he reacts badly to being submerged in a tank of garlic-infused urine then we know that he’s a vampire!”

Skald was then asked why deputies could not simply present a clove of garlic to the suspected vampire without going through the whole fish-tank process to which Skald replied “Hey, I’m the expert, here!”

The comic writer then went on to detail more of his methods of vampire detection.

“Vampires hate holy symbols as well.” he said.  “Traditionally, most people have used a cross to repel bloodsuckers but since no one is afraid of crosses anymore, we need something more forceful like THE HAMMER OF THOR!”

Skald then produced a hefty sledgehammer which he then used to kneecap the suspect, producing a flurry of bubbles and muffled screams from the fish-tank.

“Well, I’ll be!” deputy Rico exclaimed.  “It seems to be working!”

“Lastly, we all know that real vampires burn up in the sun,” explained Skald.  “Now, since dawn is still several hours away and this dangerous vampire might ‘feast on the blood of the innocent’ by then, I’ll be replicating the suns rays with this ultra high-intensity laser that scientists use to destroy asteroids approaching the earth!”

As the laser was warming up, Whiteman managed to say, “Wait, I’m not really a vampire, just a twihard douchebag who can’t get laid without a dose of rohypnol!” before being cut off by a blinding flash followed by the acrid smell of burning flesh.

“Um, how do we know for sure that he was a real vampire?” asked deputy Rico while holding a cloth to his face.

“Don’t worry, the test is foolproof,” explained Skald.  “After all, who would claim to be a sparklepire who was not one?”